The Differences of Men and Women and How Both Can Come Together Harmoniously in a Relationship
As a queer man, I’ve had the pleasure or displeasure of observing the behavior patterns of men and women. I’ve seen great things about both and have come to some really apparent and obvious conclusions.
We need to shift the way we look at things. We know that men work from a place of logic and women from a place of emotion. Men need women to help teach them the ways of the heart so that they can use both to navigate life. The same goes for women who need men to teach them the ways of the mind.
This is why women vibe with men that can put them on game and men vibe with women that will offer them space to be open and vulnerable.
Now, for the ugly part. What I’ve witnessed so much is men manipulating women that are overly emotional and women manipulating men who overthink and under express. They get into relationships based on what the other person can do for them and tag on the societal standards that have been created by who knows who and use the weaknesses of their partners to get over on them.
In doing this, they not only hold themselves captive with these societal standards, but they also enter into a maze of philosophy and feelings based on the comparison effect from otheir couples and individuals (a dichotomous effect). Unfortunately, this is what causes and encourages disconnection.
The men believe that women should see things and act like they would, and women believe that men should do the same. Because that doesn’t generally happen (because of a laundry list of other societal norms that have been adopted), the disconnection grows and grows.
Now, how could this be rectified? Well, first both men and women can learn themselves. How do they operate? What are they bringing to the table (the honest good, bad, and ugly)? What are their patterns of thought and behavior? What triggers them and what created those triggers? Are they a fighter or a runner? What are their strengths? What are their weaknesses? What are their independent goals? What are they carrying enotionally and mentally that doesn’t belong to them personally? What are their gifts? What are their interests? What do they like and not like? What type of personalities do they vibe with? What drives them? What are their fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs? What inspires them to act? What do they care about? What’s their love language? How do they CURRENTLY communicate and what will it take for them to be able to communicate EFFECTIVELY?
That’s a lot and it is only step one! And keep in mind that’s all the things that we need to know about ourselves BEFORE we ever involve somebody else in our lives to build with.
The next step would be to effectively communicate ALL of the things you’ve learned about yourself to the person that you identify to be a great energetic match. This person may not have all the things society says that they have to have, and that’s okay because the point is that they will have a vibe that aligns with yours. You can be friends. You can communicate effectively. You can LISTEN to one another without interrupting when you speak. If this isn’t possible, the relationship won’t work successfully. When you’re able to talk things through in its entirety, you learn a lot more about a person.
Talk about the feelings that have burdened you in the past that you didn’t feel safe enough to express. If you don’t know how to do that, don’t feel comfortable doing that, or the other person doesn’t offer you a safe space to do that, the relationship won’t work. You need a safe space for both of you to come in and be vulnerable to express plans, feelings, ideas, needs, wants, desires, boundaries, and expectations as well as create processes that will help you all navigate the conversations if personal feelings begin to arise.
This takes TIME! It doesn’t always happen immediately, although it can depending on the situation. It takes understanding the other person which takes paying attention to the other person and making them a priority. If you can’t see them as valuable enough to give them your time and attention, it won’t work.
That leads me to the final and key point. Building a relationship takes TIME, patience, energy, and communication. If you don’t have the ability or desire to give that to the other person, let it go immediately!
Women, if you notice a man isn’t giving you the time and attention you deserve out the gate, don’t invest your emotional energy into him because you will be heart broken. Men, if you notice a woman doesn’t acknowledge your ideas, feelings, and actions let it go because you won’t be able to grow.
Most men don’t like women because they feel like they nag them or try and tell them who to be and what to do. That is kind of the case. A good woman will see the good, bad and ugly in you and help you to clean up what needs to be while also helping to encourage improvement on what needs development. A not so good woman will manipulate you emotionally, which hurts. This is why men, we need to learn to understand, navigate and express our emotions in a safe and sensible way.
Most women don’t like men because they feel like they don’t live up to their potential. The question here would be are they not living up to their potential, or the potential you’ve created for them? You are great at creating because women work from an emotional space are you all work from an emotional space. That means you can get very creative in the ways that you express what you feel, even if it isn’t the truth, you can make it a reality that you must be careful not to believe if it isn’t rooted in FACT.
A good man will see when you’re being overly emotional and will ground you with his logic and love. It will sound like a father teaching a child or a teacher educating a student, but it’s coming from a healthy place. A not so good man will manipulate your mind and cause you to create realities that leave you fearful, distracted, or angry. You’re easier to control that way so be careful about what you choose to believe and make sure that you communicate effectively and that everything is rooted in FACTS.
Men don’t want to be a woman’s father, but good men don’t mind taking on the role as the teacher to propel the relationship and be a pillar for their woman (partner). Women don’t want to be a man’s mother, but good women don’t mind taking on the role as the counselor to strengthen and fortify the relationship. Both will see things that they don’t like and may cause resistance in changing them.
When communicating about these things first identify the problem. This includes the incident at hand, any additional incidents that are similar, and any cycles that arise as a result. Highlight and acknowledge the emotions that are attached so that BOTH of you hear and understand how these things make you feel. Offer space for BOTH of you to be heard and understood without judgement which includes holding all comments and rebuttals until the end (write down bullet points if you need during the conversation so you can address concerns along with the feelings that arise when you hear them as these are triggers for you that the person may or may not know of).
The objective is to get to a place where BOTH perspectives are heard and understood and a compromise is made where both of you are satisfied. This might take a while so strap in for these conversations, or table them when you feel emotionally or mentally exhausted. Express that you’re overwhelmed right now but create a realistic date and time that you both can come back to the conversation to finish it. THIS IS CRUCIAL BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T BOTH FEEL COMPLETE, PROBLEMS WILL CONTINUE TO ARISE.
The goal isn’t to “win a battle” or get over on your partner. The goal is always to get a better understanding of the other and offer what you can give to help through the situation. In addition, the goal is not to hurt each other with words and triggers, but to hear and understand the emotions that are attached so that they can be used to navigate to a better emotional and mental space for your partner.
Both men and women have to work together because we have what the other needs. We must learn to listen, give time, give love, and give attention that building the relationship requires. Don’t try and force something that doesn’t make sense. If it doesn’t click, it’s not worth the stress, hurt, and fire. Let it go amicably and find what you need for you. All the drama can be avoided if you take your time and communicate at the appropriate times. You’ll thank me later.